Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

Andrew Huberman

Dec 29, 2025

Episode description

Terry Real is a therapist and best-selling author expert on male emotional health and how men can build the skills for healthy relating to others: in relationships, work, friendships and to themselves. We discuss how mixed and ever-changing messages about what masculinity is are impacting the mental and physical health of men and boys. Terry explains how learning the skill of "relationality" leads to improvements in all aspects of boys' and men's lives and shares practical tools for how to do that. We also discuss the essential role of having a close male community to build confidence and self-esteem. This conversation offers actionable guidance for boys, men and women seeking to build healthier relationships with themselves and others.

Episode show notes: https://go.hubermanlab.com/NqaGZF0

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Terry Real
Website: https://terryreal.com
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Relational Life Institute: https://relationallife.com
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Relationship Patterns Quiz: https://quiz.terryreal.com/quiz

Timestamps
00:00:00 Terry Real
00:02:53 Men & Masculinity, Political vs Psychological Patriarchy, Feminism
00:07:39 Stoicism, Vulnerability, Traditional Masculinity, Emotions
00:10:50 Sponsors: BetterHelp & David
00:13:14 Masculinity Across Decades, Giving; Gratification vs Relational Joy
00:21:54 Healthy Emotional Expression, Connection & Vulnerability; Self-Esteem
00:31:17 Feeling Emotions, Tools: Asking For Help; Fights & “What Do You Need?”
00:35:10 Self-Esteem & Relationship Accountability; Criticism, Redefining Strength
00:40:47 Sponsor: AG1
00:42:32 Healthy Criticism, Tool: Women & Articulating Needs
00:50:21 Childlike Behavior, Wise Adult & Trauma, Tool: Relational Mindfulness
00:58:11 Tool: Responsible Distance Taking; Self-Interest; Relationship “Biosphere”
01:08:14 Alcohol, Men & Friends, Loneliness, Men’s Retreat
01:17:51 Fraternities, Men’s Groups, Tool: Relationship vs Individual Support
01:25:39 Sponsor: Function
01:27:27 Lack of Male Friends, Hiking, Community, Teaching Young Men
01:36:11 Cannabis, Alcohol, Young Men & Purpose, Flexibility & Manliness
01:40:40 Work, Life Purpose & Men; Skillful Warriors
01:45:01 Absent Fathers; Early Childhood & Proper Nurturing; Caretaking
01:53:24 Sponsor: Waking Up
01:54:47 Women & Speaking Relationally, Objectivity Battle
01:59:02 Addiction & Disconnection, 12-Step Meetings & Fellowship
02:08:04 Pornography, Internet, Intensity vs Intimacy; Optimization
02:11:57 Tool: Families & Hanging Out; Relational Joy; Relational Recovery
02:22:29 Giving Criticism, Tools: Make Requests; Feedback Wheel
02:28:21 Gratitude, Aging; Skillful Fighting in Relationship & Repair
02:34:17 Men & Self-Esteem, Mentors, Tool: Inner Dialogue without Harshness
02:44:00 Y Chromosome, Wholeness
02:48:00 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow, Reviews & Feedback, Sponsors, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

#HubermanLab #Health #Masculinity

Disclaimer & Disclosures: https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer

Mindsip insights from this episode:

Address loneliness to combat health risks equivalent to heavy smoking

Citing Vivek Murthy, a lack of intimate connection is as physically harmful as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day.

#loneliness

#risk

Choose loving firmness over harshness for better relationships

There is nothing that harshness does that loving firmness cannot do better, a principle that applies to how you treat others, how they treat you, and especially how you treat yourself.

#emotion

#relationships

Establish responsible distance to manage conflict effectively

To avoid triggering abandonment fears when you need a break during a conflict, use a 'responsible distance' by stating why you need space and when you will return.

#conflict

#relationships

Pursue relational joy for deeper fulfillment

A deeper, more fulfilling pleasure called 'relational joy' comes from connection and just being in a relationship, which is superior to short-term gratification.

#fulfillment

#relationships

Employ relational jiu-jitsu to de-escalate conflicts

Instead of reacting to a partner's harsh delivery, 'duck under it' to address their underlying point, which de-escalates conflict and shows true strength.

#conflict

#relationships

Clarify requests to avoid frustration

You don't have the right to get mad about not getting something you never explicitly asked for.

#emotion

Balance fierceness with tenderness to embody true warrior spirit

A great 'Morani' (warrior) is not just fierce but also knows when to be tender, possessing the wisdom to distinguish which moment calls for which quality.

#emotion

#resilience

Accept imperfection to cultivate healthy self-esteem

Healthy self-esteem is the ability to feel appropriately bad about a mistake without falling into shame, seeing yourself as a good person who behaved badly.