Essentials: How Humans Select & Keep Romantic Partners in the Short & Long Term | Dr. David Buss

Andrew Huberman

2 oct 2025

Episode description

In this Huberman Lab Essentials episode, my guest is Dr. David Buss, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin and a pioneer in the field of evolutionary psychology.

We explore the science behind human mate selection in both short- and long-term relationships. We discuss universal traits valued in long-term partners along with key differences between women and men in what they prioritize when selecting a mate. We also discuss the darker aspects of mating behavior, such as deception, the evolutionary function of jealousy and the motivations behind stalking.

Episode show notes: https://go.hubermanlab.com/91Vn4e1

Huberman Lab Essentials are short episodes focused on essential science and protocol takeaways from past full-length Huberman Lab episodes. Watch the full-length episode: https://youtu.be/HXzTbCEqCJc

Watch more Huberman Lab Essentials episodes: https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLPNW_gerXa4OGNy1yE-W9IX-tPu-tJa7S

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Dr. David Buss
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Lab website: https://labs.la.utexas.edu/buss/david-buss
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LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/davidmbuss

Timestamps
00:00:00 David Buss
00:00:21 Mate Selection, Preferences & Competition
00:03:26 Desirable Qualities of Men & Women, Universal Traits for Long-Term Mates
00:04:38 Women’s Preferences; Men’s Preferences; Age Differences
00:08:58 Mate Deception & Online Dating, Tool: Travel, Stress & Emotional Stability
00:12:07 Short- vs Long-Term Mates, Men vs Women Preferences
00:14:23 Jealousy, Mate Value Discrepancy, Vigilance to Violence
00:17:07 The Dark Triad, Sexual Harassment & Coercion
00:19:14 Stalking, Motivations & Outcomes
00:21:53 Childhood Attachment Styles & Relationship Stability
00:22:58 Self-Assessment for Mate Value, Self-Esteem
00:26:35 Evolutionary Psychology & Neuroscience
00:27:20 David Buss’ Books; Acknowledgements

Disclaimer & Disclosures: https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer

Episode description

Mindsip insights from this episode:

Test emotional stability through shared travel experiences

A good way to assess a potential long-term partner's emotional stability is to take a trip together and see how they respond to the stress of an unfamiliar environment.

#relationships

#stress

Address mate value discrepancies to manage jealousy

Jealousy can be triggered not just by infidelity, but by a 'mate value discrepancy' opening up, where one partner's career takes off or the other's stalls.

#emotion

#relationships

Trust olfactory cues in mate selection for better compatibility

For women, olfactory cues are critical in mate selection, and if a potential partner doesn't 'smell right,' it can be a deal-breaker regardless of his other desirable qualities.

#relationships

Understand stalking as a desperate measure of low mate value

Stalking is often a desperate measure by a lower-mate-value person who correctly realizes they will be unable to replace their ex-partner with someone of equivalent value.

#relationships

Identify and address 'Dark Triad' traits to combat sexual deception

The 'Dark Triad' of personality traits—narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy—is found in a subset of men who commit the vast majority of sexual deception and coercion.

#narcissism

#relationships

Monitor self-esteem to gauge mate value

Your self-esteem may function as an internal monitoring device that tracks your mate value, rising with promotions and social success, and plummeting with rejection.

#relationships

#self-awareness

Leverage mate choice copying to enhance attraction strategies

Women often use 'mate choice copying,' judging a man as significantly more attractive if he is already paired with other attractive women.

#relationships

Understand attention structure to elevate status

A key determinant of a person's status is the 'attention structure,' meaning high-status individuals are those to whom the most people pay the most attention.

#attention

Understand women's attraction to 'bad boy' traits for short-term relationships

For short-term mating, women are more attracted to 'bad boy' qualities like arrogance and risk-taking, whereas for long-term mating, they prioritize 'good dad' qualities like dependability.