How to Find & Be a Great Romantic Partner | Lori Gottlieb

Andrew Huberman

Apr 7, 2025

Episode description

My guest is Lori Gottlieb, MFT, a psychotherapist and bestselling author who specializes in helping people build strong relationships by first understanding themselves and the stories they’ve internalized about themselves and others. We explore how our parents, wounds and unique strengths—both consciously and unconsciously—influence our partner choices and how we show up in relationships, as well as how to avoid and break free from destructive patterns. We also discuss the impact of texting, social media and dating apps on partnership. Lori shares which signals to follow to become the best romantic partner possible and how to make choices that lead to greater vitality, happiness and fulfillment in all areas of life.

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*Lori Gottlieb*
Website: https://lorigottlieb.com
Therapy services: https://lorigottlieb.com/services
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone (book): https://amzn.to/4clZO7S
Other books: https://amzn.to/44fOCYt
Dear Therapists (podcast): https://lorigottlieb.com/podcast
Ask the Therapist (The New York Times): https://www.nytimes.com/column/ask-the-therapist
Dear Therapist (The Atlantic): https://www.theatlantic.com/projects/dear-therapist/
TED talk: https://www.ted.com/talks/lori_gottlieb_how_changing_your_story_can_change_your_life
X: https://x.com/LoriGottlieb
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/GottliebLori
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lorigottlieb_author

*Timestamps*
00:00:00 Dr. Lori Gottlieb
00:02:01 Patient & First Question; Talked Out of Feelings
00:06:15 Self-Regulation vs Co-Regulation, Tool: Pause & Perspective
00:10:04 Sponsors: Helix Sleep & BetterHelp
00:12:36 Relationships, Childhood & Unfinished Business
00:17:13 Unconscious Mind, Hurtful Parent & Familiarity, Role of Therapy
00:26:35 Excitement & Chaos, Cherophobia; Storytelling, First Date & Sparks?
00:36:27 Tool: Awareness of Death & Living Fully; Vitality; Fear vs Acceptance
00:47:27 Sponsors: AG1 & David Protein
00:50:35 Activate vs Energize; Tool: Technology, Numbness & Overwhelm
00:54:50 Numb or Calm?, Gender Stereotypes, Tool: Mentalizing
01:00:51 Feelings, Projective Identification, Tool: Owning Your Feelings
01:03:25 React vs Respond; Space, Tool: Face-to-Face Conversation vs Text
01:10:16 Behavioral Change, 5 Steps of Change, Tool: Self-Compassion & Accountability
01:15:38 Sponsor: LMNT
01:16:54 Deadlines & Rules; Idiot vs Wise Compassion, No Drama & Assumptions
01:26:27 Silent Treatment, Crying & Manipulation, Shame vs Guilt, Self-Preservation
01:33:01 Self-Reflection, Individual & Couples Therapy, Transference; Agency
01:38:56 Texting, Conflicts, Breakups, Pain Hierarchy, Tool: Move Forward
01:46:42 Relationship Breakups, Daily World & Loss
01:53:30 Bank of Goodwill; Talking About Partner, Focus, Comparison
02:01:13 Infidelity, What If vs What Is, Attention & Appreciation
02:04:56 Gut Instinct, Change Behavior, Danger, Productive vs Unproductive Anxiety
02:15:27 Knowing Oneself, Relationships, Flexibility, Shared History
02:20:30 Romantic Relationships & Teens, Social Media, Privacy
02:27:09 Online Apps & Choices, Maximizers vs Satisficers, Tool: Identify Your Weakness
02:33:09 Fixing Issues Early, Tool: Self vs Partner Lists & Character Qualities
02:41:51 Feeling Toward Partner, Calm, Content; Tool: Operating Instructions
02:46:48 Help-Rejecting Complainers; Relationships, Love & Core Wounds
02:51:22 Stories & Unreliable Narrators, Editing, Tool: 5 Senses
02:59:04 Young Men, Masculinity, Confusion
03:07:03 Grief, Making Sense of Loss
03:09:54 Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Workbook; Ask The Therapist, Choosing a Bigger Life
03:20:26 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

#HubermanLab #Psychology #Relationships

Disclaimer & Disclosures: https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer

Mindsip insights from this episode:

Break free from familiar misery to embrace uncertainty

People often find the certainty of misery more palatable than the misery of uncertainty, which is why they stay in familiar but unhappy situations.

#emotion

#mind

Use mindless scrolling as a non-prescription painkiller for overwhelming feelings

Mindlessly scrolling the internet is described as the most effective non-prescription painkiller because it numbs us when we are overwhelmed by too many feelings.

#social-media

#stress

Recognize and avoid help-rejecting complainers

A 'help-rejecting complainer' is someone who constantly complains and seems to want advice but will reject any help offered because it serves them to remain a victim.

#emotion

Reflect on feelings to evaluate relationship potential

The most important question to ask yourself after a date is not about a checklist of traits, but simply, 'How do I feel when I'm with this person?'.

#relationships

Create a 'difficult to be with' list for self-reflection

Instead of making a list of qualities you want in a partner, a powerful exercise is to write down everything that would make it difficult for someone to be with you.

#reflection

#self-awareness

Choose wise compassion to foster personal growth

'Idiot compassion' is when friends simply validate your position, whereas 'wise compassion' is when they are willing to tell you the truth in a kind way to help you grow.

#compassion

#personal-growth

Process past emotions to manage present reactions

Having an outsized, 'hysterical' emotional reaction to a present situation often means you are layering on unprocessed feelings from a past, 'historical' event.