How to Find, Build & Maintain Healthy Romantic Relationships | Esther Perel

Andrew Huberman

Sep 16, 2024

Episode description

In this episode, my guest is Esther Perel, a world-renowned psychotherapist, relationship expert, and bestselling author. She explains healthy romantic relationship dynamics and how to achieve them. The answer includes curiosity not just about the other person but, more importantly, about who we can evolve into through healthy relating.

Esther explains the fundamental differences and challenges in relationships formed at different stages of life. We also discuss relationship conflict and how to give and receive a true apology.

Additionally, we discuss fidelity, breaches of trust, reviving relationships, and tools for understanding your needs regarding love and desire in a relationship. The episode will help listeners understand the key elements to find, build, and revive deeply satisfying romantic relationships.

Access the full show notes for this episode: https://go.hubermanlab.com/5SqFgLG

Use Ask Huberman Lab, our chat-based tool, for summaries, clips, and insights from this episode: https://go.hubermanlab.com/w4kl7s

Pre-order Andrew's book, Protocols: https://go.hubermanlab.com/protocols

*Thank you to our sponsors*
AG1: https://drinkag1.com/huberman
David Protein: https://davidprotein.com/huberman
LMNT: https://drinklmnt.com/huberman
Helix Sleep: https://helixsleep.com/huberman
Function: https://functionhealth.com/huberman

*Esther Perel*
Website: https://www.estherperel.com
Books: https://www.estherperel.com/books
Turning Conflict into Connection (Course): https://www.estherperel.com/courses/turning-conflict-into-connection
Where Should We Begin? (Podcast): https://www.estherperel.com/podcast
Newsletter: https://www.estherperel.com/blog
TED Talks: https://www.ted.com/speakers/esther_perel
X: https://x.com/estherperel
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/esther.perel
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/estherperelofficial
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@estherperel
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/estherperel

*Timestamps*
00:00:00 Esther Perel
00:02:03 Sponsors: David Protein, LMNT & Helix Sleep
00:06:33 Romantic Relationships, Change & Self
00:11:18 Cornerstone vs. Capstone Relationships, Age Differences
00:16:53 Young vs. Older Couples, Dynamic Relationships
00:20:13 Identity & Relationship Evolution
00:26:00 Curiosity, Reactivity
00:30:29 Sponsor: AG1
00:31:59 Polarization, Conflict; Coherence & Narratives
00:38:21 Apologies, Forgiveness, Shame, Self-Esteem
00:45:00 Relationship Conflict
00:53:48 Sponsor: Function
00:55:35 Verb States of Conflict; Emotion, Narratives vs. Reality
01:00:10 Time Domains & Hurt; Caretaker & Romantic Relationships
01:08:03 Couples Therapy; Language & Naming
01:20:15 Sexuality in Relationships
01:26:20 Tool: Love & Desire, Sexuality
01:31:28 Infidelity, “Aliveness”
01:35:17 Intimacy, Abandonment, Self-Preservation
01:41:26 Erotic Blueprints, Emotional Needs
01:49:42 Tool: Repair Work, Relationship Revival; Sincere Apologies
01:59:30 Tool: Relationship Readiness
02:03:33 Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow & Reviews, Sponsors, YouTube Feedback, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter

#HubermanLab #EstherPerel #Relationships

Disclaimer & Disclosures: https://www.hubermanlab.com/disclaimer

Episode description

Mindsip insights from this episode:

Understand the Three Apologies Rule for relationship repair

According to a concept in Judaism, if you give a sincere apology three times and it's not accepted, the burden of repair passes to the other person.

#relationships

Repurpose attachment circuits for romantic relationships

The same neural circuitry that forms our attachment to caretakers in infancy is repurposed for romantic relationships in adulthood.

#neurology

#relationships

Address core fears in relationships to foster connection

In many couples, one person is more afraid of losing the other (fear of abandonment), while the other is more afraid of losing themselves (fear of suffocation).

#emotion

#relationships

Understand emotional history to enhance intimacy in adulthood

Your emotional history is inscribed in the physicality of sex, meaning how you were loved as a child directly informs how you make love as an adult.

#emotion

#relationships

Utilize comprehensive lab testing for a complete health overview

Function Health offers comprehensive lab testing of over 100 biomarkers from blood, urine, and saliva to provide a full picture of your health.

#blood-test

#testing

Differentiate cornerstone and capstone relationships for deeper understanding

Relationships formed when young are 'cornerstone,' where you build a foundation together, while those formed later are 'capstone,' where the relationship confirms an already-built identity.

#relationships

Evolve relationships through transformative phases for lasting love

To last a lifetime, a relationship must evolve through major transformations, which is like having two or three different marriages with the same person.